"...A conservative gay might just be as crazy as the moon being made out of cheese..."

I wouldn’t consider myself the most overly flamboyant gay man in the world, nor would I consider myself to be the butchest gay man in the world. No, I would say I’m a mixture of both worlds and certain moments cause my flame to shine brighter than others. That is just my impression of myself, and maybe to some the thought of me being a conservative gay might just be as crazy as the moon being made out of cheese. I am quiet about my sexuality and I find it nobodies other than my own, nor do I consider it a major factor in who I am. There are those that introduce themselves as “Hi, I’m Steve and I like to fuck or be fucked by men!” or something to that nature if not that extreme. Because if somebody said that to me, not only would I nod and say “That’s nice,” I would back my ass up to a wall and try not to make any sudden movements as I slipped away in the vain hope of not being sexually accosted.

Now just because I’m quiet about it doesn’t mean I won’t answer the question if asked. “Hey, are you gay?”

Here follows two “Are you gay?” moment encounters at the Chubbuck, Idaho Walmart #1995. Names have been changed to protect the innocent

SCENE 1

Walmart Front End—Register 5—Night

After being followed all night by a female cashier, Raquel, who is obviously into him, Luis tries to ignore her advances. As he is busy cleaning the register, Raquel beings to question him.

Raquel: So do you have a girlfriend?

Luis: No.

Raquel: Oh. So you say you hang out with Von a lot?

Luis: Yes.

Raquel: You know he’s gay right?

Luis [smiles to himself]: How could I not?

Raquel [laughs]: True. [Pause] Is he your boyfriend?

Luis: Yes.

Raquel gasps. Luis stares at her with interest wondering what she is going to say next.

Raquel: Damn it! Why does this always happen? You’re like the third gay guy I’ve had a crush on!

[END SCENE]

SCENE 2

Walmart Front End—Customer Service Desk—Night

Luis is busy cleaning the counters. He finally takes a break and leans against the back counter surveying the front end, which is oddly slow for a Monday night. A cashier, Eric, comes up to the service desk and stands awkwardly next to him.

Luis: How are you?

Eric: Good. You?

Luis: Good.

Luis goes back to cleaning the counters. Eric, who seems a little more fidgety than normal, begins an interrogation of sorts.

Eric: So Luis I a question for you.

Luis [not looking up from the counter he is cleaning]: Okay, go ahead.

Eric: Do you have a girlfriend?

Luis: No.

Eric: Do you have a boyfriend?

Luis: No. I’m single. Very much single.

Eric: Single and straight?

Luis: No, single and gay.

Luis looks up and stares at Eric who has really no expression on his face except that suddenly he feels extremely uncomfortable. The two stare at each other in uncomfortable silence.

[END SCENE]

Oh yes, the second scene was particular favorite moment because not only was it extremely uncomfortable, I didn’t know what to read into the situation on whether or not this particular cashier named “Eric” was completely mortified at the thought of me being gay or just feeling really uncomfortable because an awkward moment had apparently been created. I later learned that “Eric” didn’t really care either way, but had been told by a CSM that I was gay and couldn’t believe it. He was then told to ask me, which of course created the awkward story told above.

I’m not upset with being gay. Those dark days of inner turmoil and struggle have passed. But there are times when I’m in the “swirling vortex of doom” thought process that I wish that I could just be “normal,” and those stem from the loneliness and isolation I feel at times being a gay man in Pocatello, Idaho. It seems to me, and this could be another moon made out of cheese moment, that the gay population my age in this area is 1) a constant walking gay pride in your face parade with glitters, rainbows, and Cher singing “Do you believe in life after love?” out of their asses, 2) just in it for the sex 3) has religious guilt issues 4) wants a relationship but not really and seems to have slept with their friends boyfriends and their friends boyfriends have slept with each other creating this weird web of possible STD contamination or 5) a combination of two or more of these factors which makes them just as fucking crazy as the idea of Cher singing out of their ass. I mean come on; Cher has more class than that. She’s fucking Cher!

I’m not one of these who are in your face about it. My first encounters with people usually go:

ME: Hi, I’m Luis. Who the hell are you?

OTHER PERSON: You scare me.

Needless to say I’m working on my social skills.