The Show

What a better way to start a blog than with a song? 

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle

Life is a maze and love is a riddle

 I don't know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried

 And I don't know why

If I could find better lyrics that could describe who I am currently, than by all means they would be posted. But there it is. There’s who I am laid out in four lines, set to a catchy tune by Lenka. To be honest, I never thought that I would be the person who would write a blog, nor do I feel that this will end being what it is right now: a running monologue of my current state of mind at the moment. That, in all honesty, right now, is slightly influenced by alcohol. You will never truly know how many times I have hit the backspace button to correctly spell a word or correct a grammar error. I do not think that I have caught all of the mistakes, but I do not care at the moment.

But here I am. This is me. Well, as much of myself that I am going to allow. There will either be moments of fantasy, moments of truth, moments from the past, moments from the present, and hopeful moments from the future. My intention is not to whine or sound as though I am the white rich suburban emo kid who has no real reason to be unhappy. I am just here. I am “caught in the middle.”

I feel as though I am trying to write a pilot episode to a television show that is my life. The challenge is incorporating enough background information to keep it interesting, but not giving too much that it becomes a long list of too much background information that our heads explode, or not enough information that there is no interest. It is a fine balance, where I will try not to reveal too much, but just enough that people will go, “Oh my god, what the hell happened to this person?” and then keep reading.

So first off, to say that I am the most emotionally stable person in the world would be a complete lie. I am up, down, and around, like a fucking roller coaster. I am caught in this middle place where I am waiting for something to happen. The last major event in my life was the ending of a relationship whose emotional turmoil have left such a painful scar on my soul that every now and again causes me to feel a crippling pain that quite literally drops me to the floor in an agonizing pain. A pain that cannot truly be described to someone, but was accurately put by author Annie Proux in short story “Brokeback Mountain” the sensation of one’s guts being pulled out hand over hand. It is as though someone has knocked the air out of you, causing you to lose focus, your stomach to turn, and your chest to ache.

Because of that event, I have been working on moving forward. I have been trying to better myself as a person, trying to fix what was broken, trying to let go, and trying to be happy. It is a slow process, and my patience is constantly tested. But this is who I am. There is so much more, but here are the basics. I hope you will stay interested. But here I am. I am waiting…