"I would never commit suicide by cutting my wrists. I wouldn't want to fuck up my awesome tattoo."

I made a summer wish list back in the beginning of June. It was a short list, composed of the following items:

1.      Get a tattoo

2.      Pay down credit card

3.      Discover new favorite place

4.      Save up for next summer vacations – Portland & possibly New York

5.      Write a short story

I made this list in what seemed to be a slight moment of despair about this town of Pocatello. This place, in case I haven’t whined about it enough, has a way of bringing me down. The list was a way of trying to keep my mind distracted because in the past three years of living here, I hadn’t had a decent summer. Personal issues, usually involving a man of sorts, always seemed to be a cause of much turmoil in my life and tended to make my summers a living hell. In a previous post, I remember saying that I had a feeling that this summer was starting like the previous ones. I needed to leave; I needed to runaway. To be completely honest, to say that feeling has disappeared would be a lie. To be destined to live in Pocatello forever would be a death sentence. I would not hesitate to step in front of a bus or jump off a bridge. Cutting my wrist is out of the question because ever since my adventure with goal number one on the list, I realized that I could never bring myself to pull the blade down hard enough.

Thank god for lists being flexible and with no definite deadlines at the end of the summer.  Number two has a plan in action that will take place over the course of several paychecks, number three has yet to happen, number four has altered from New York to Ashville, NC for Christmas with Portland still on the agenda for next summer, and number five has an outline. But number one, the tattoo, I can proudly say has been completed—July 22, 2011 @ 5:00pm, Rich Ink. I am now marked for life with a treble clef symbol on my right wrist.

The pain is what I feared most. And peoples’ description only increased my anxiety before my appointment. “It feels like a cat scratching your arm, glass being dragged across your skin, it hurts like a mother fucker.” Okay to have someone describe pain has hurting like a ‘mother fucker’ brings an intense sickness to my stomach because to me that kind of pain is the equivalent of shoving a watermelon up your peehole, kids in a sandbox, or having an open fractured wound and some bastard rubbing salt and then peeing in it. No amount of simile or metaphors can describe the intense pain I was expecting to feel. Needless to say this fear caused enormous amounts of anxiety and adrenaline. When the artist began the accurate description I would say is a cat scratching your wrist. It does not hurt like a mother fucker and I would not use that description to ever describe getting a tattoo. I would leave that for men passing a kidney stone. That pain is equivalent to child bearing or so I’m told. The pain was still slightly intense and Teaira captured a beautiful picture of my jaw tightly clenched. I just also would like to say, I was able to watch, and even when I began to bleed I was still able to watch. Yes, right now, I feel like a slight badass, but I would never commit suicide by cutting my wrists. I wouldn’t want to fuck up my awesome tattoo.

This summer has been one of the best that I have had in a long time. There has been no real drama other than my own internal struggle. I still continue to go to counseling, which every session seems to remind me how much I’ve put myself back together.  I am becoming more content in being with myself, and have come to terms with the fact that what I’m looking for in a partner may not be and most likely is not here. But God knows if he is, he better show up soon, just saying. I would kill for some awesome sex again!

Also, because I’m feeling slightly sappy, I feel like throwing in shout outs to ETHAN MCWILLIAMS, TEAIRA BURGE, SHASTA TWITCHELL, and DEREK SCHIABLE—for being the longest person I’ve ever lived with. These friends have managed to keep me together when I am about to shake apart. I love you guys. Thanks for making this summer amazing.