Ethan, Teaira, and Derek this one is for you

I feel that there is still so much exposition and background information before we can move forward, so here is blog entry number two, another running monologue of my thoughts. (I think I may have found a new hobby. Good, you have no idea how badly I need one.)

 But before I begin I just want to say Ethan, Teaira, and Derek, this one is for you. On New Year’s Eve I made a resolution to better myself as a person. This journey has not been easy so far and the fact that you have managed to stick by my side through all of this amazes me and constantly reminds me how truly amazing friends you are and how much I love you. Okay, so let’s begin…

Written on piece of notebook paper during a boring shift in the Money Center:

There are the four us. A group of individuals brought together by a series of events that in the giant scheme of things are insignificant, but to me mean everything. They are my best friends, and my family, even more so than those related by blood. I love them more than anything and need them so much that at times I feel as though the emotion is unbalanced; I need them more than they need me.

There are moments where my thoughts begin to spin out of control in what Shasta refers to as “the swirling vortex of doom.” Negative thoughts continue one right after the other which leads you down into a very dark place where no light can reach you and feel as though the only way to get out of it is to stop breathing. “If you are going to be a decent human being, than stop relying on others so much when dealing with your personal shit. Learn to be independent Luis or you’re never going to be ok.” This one thought, begins a dangerous chain of events that leads me into a very dark place within myself, a place where all happiness and hope is gone. I begin to withdraw from those around me because I feel poisonous. I feel as though I will suck away the joy from the other three that I cannot bring myself to be around them when in fact I need them the most. Yet, another thought emerges, “Everyone has their own problems, why should they have to help you with yours. Stop being that whiny friend.” Not only do I withdraw, but all communication immediately shuts down and I run. I run because I know that I am about to fall apart, and I don’t want them to watch my shatter completely even though they have seen the cracks.

For the past two weeks I felt that evil poison enter into my system and I began the withdrawal sequence. My communication began to shut down and I was breaking. Breaking even more so than I had done previously. Moments of lying on my bedroom floor sobbing uncontrollably because I had no idea what was wrong with me or why I felt so unhappy. And even darker moments that were broken by small little random events that I can only describe as somewhat short of miraculous and managed to somehow renew a belief in a higher power of some sort. These miracles only stopped the unhappiness for short periods of time and sooner than later the unhappiness returned, but they came just before I thought that I was unable to take anymore. They prevented me from reaching a point of no return. Whether the miracle was just a single thought that reminded me very much of Elizabeth Gilbert’s “go to bed Liz,” or a text message that simply said “I love you,” I was someone pulled away from that dark abyss in my mind where only the dead walk.

Early this was I was taken into a practice room and had some sense talked into me by two of these three wonderful people who are in my life. They were worried because they had noticed that I was breaking. As much as I try to be a wall when I am cracking, I am also transparent. They reminded me that I am not alone, that they are here to help in any way possible. It was comforting, that despite all of this negative bullshit that I am experiencing on this journey they are here. I’m not sure if they can or will ever truly understand how much they have helped me and still continue to help me. We’ve had some pretty amazing times together, and I sure as hell know that there are plenty more a head. I mean seriously, we have a Derek; life can never be boring, am I right?

Ethan, Tearia, and Derek I love you.

(There, now you have it in writing J)